In 2021 the pandemic was still ongoing.
For future generations - traveling abroad was somewhat difficult. Not because you can't. But because you don't know what will come into the Czech government's head tomorrow.
Since after two years of pandemic my brain really went haywire, I urgently needed to get to nature.
2 regions were chosen - Bohemian Switzerland and Broumovsko.
The trip lasted 5 nights, budget - about 3500 per person.
Day One. Mandala
From Prague to Bohemian Switzerland it's about two hours drive. This is one of my favorite regions in all of Czech Republic, keep that in mind.
The day started with laughs. On the road there was a recumbent cyclist, and it looks funnier than any circus.
Random photo from the internet - in the car window you'll only see a flag, I thought a robot vacuum was on the highway.
Checked in without meeting the hostess - the key was just in the door.
Cottage as cottage, with one feature - instead of a toilet, a portable bio-toilet.
I pissed, how to flush - no fucking idea. Read instructions, the three of us figured it out in about a couple hours.
Otherwise, the cottage is fine, went to have a beer, and then the story began.
In any village I look at women - they're great there.
A family owned the beer stand - a nice girl stood at the register. I gave her the nickname "tanned babe", guess why.
Tanned babe was naturally beautiful, 9\10. I decided to get married.
She flirted with me with both voice and eyes, I pulled out 500 crowns to show off.
Then it turned out she does this with everyone - I was disappointed.
We sit, I'm sad, drinking beer. A woman passes by, makes eyes at me.
Like any village woman, her age is approximately between 15 and 45 - who the hell knows.
I gave her the nickname "mandala". She wore a long pink skirt with a mandala, all simple - standard Czech yoga girl.
And then Vovan shouts "DID YOU SEE DID YOU SEE??"
What happened Vovan?
The companion sitting opposite "Mandala" splashed beer remains right in her face. Had a fight, like.
I gave the companion the nickname "Jesus", he had a "Bieber cut" hairstyle.
Jesus got up and demonstratively loudly said at the register "I'M PAYING FOR EVERYTHING". Paid 60 crowns for 2 beers, alpha male. Left.
Mandala remained alone, told her story to random Czechs sitting at her table.
She received an inheritance and doesn't want to share with her husband. They're already in the divorce process, and he wants to get his part, though fuck that.
He's kind of good, helps around the house. Good person, but decided to divorce. Signs of Stockholm syndrome were evident.
I even wanted to buy her ice cream to calm her down, you could see she was holding back tears, but some guy was hanging around the babe and constantly offering to help carry something.
He got the nickname "cuckold" from me.
Further Mandala gets the nickname "Divorcee" from me.
Divorcee sat for another half hour, chatted with Babe and Babe's mom (nasty, I don't want to marry anymore).
Left.
We also went home to rest - Vovan took the grill and meat.
Since none of us know how to light charcoal, the process lasted about 5 hours, but we achieved success.
The day ended with a dog running to us. And behind it the cottage hostess.
"Hi, I'm Tyriza ("Teresa" but with English accent)", she said.
We shook hands, she asked, ALL GOOD? Since it was All Good, we went to sleep. Already dark, so we never found out what our hostess looks like.
Literally before going into the house, some drunk man started knocking on our hostess's door. Open up, open up, Teresa.
Knocked for about 20 minutes. Village dramatic life, fuck.
I got drunk, shined a flashlight at him and laughed.
Day Two. Tyriza and Ice Cream Apocalypse
Morning started with an important event - turns out Vovan puked all night.
Okay, going home.
Joke, not going, he calmed down later.
At 9 am I went outside first.
Immediately met Tyriza. She brought a blanket - says she didn't know there were three of us.
"Aaaa, mluvíte česky?" - she asked me.
We speak, we speak, have a good day. I looked in her eyes. Think, here these village chicks - again either she's 15 or 45. Unclear whether to hit on or not.
She goes home, I check her ass.
Fuck.
Pink skirt with mandala.
Tyriza turned out to be the divorcee. Then it dawns on me that I wanted to "buy ice cream" for my own Airbnb hostess while drunk.
That at night Tyriza's divorced husband knocked on her door, who an hour ago splashed beer in her face.
Good thing I didn't buy her ice cream - could've gotten into the classic situation "husband came you're fucked".
Further the day was completely uninteresting.
Of the more or less interesting - visited "Small Pravčická Brána".
In nature it's customary to say "good day" to passersby. One girl mumbled something like "Meow" to me. What?
Then I failed - 3 grannies are walking and tell me - go ahead, I let young people pass.
I'm like - thanks.
And she's like - you could've said that you also let young people pass, gentleman.
I laughed, then realized I lost my pickup mastery, the woman so obviously led me to this.
Another funny thing - ice cream apocalypse.
In the middle of the road decided to buy "draft ice cream" (don't ask, this is Czech Republic).
Right before us it ran out. Had to wait 15 minutes while "the guy cools it". You had one job, syka.
The funniest when we were leaving, someone's dad said to the guy "excellent ice cream". The guy didn't react, didn't even hear, he was serving ice cream to a chick.
I saw how the dad wilted - usually Vovan has such a face when nobody understands him and he decides to quietly leave.
My assumption that all that dramatic shit that happened is just a "show for city folk" included in the Airbnb price.
The name Teresa is now associated with beer flying in the face for me. Tyriza, rather.
In these 2 days I saw so much real human life as I hadn't seen in several years.
Oh yeah, if you walk in nature, the girls there are already incredibly beautiful. And the sky, night sky and night stars are as incredibly beautiful as the babe.
After a year and a half of pandemic I finally felt truly alive and not lonely.
And also remembered where I even came from here and understood why I feel so good in nature.
Day Three. Geertje
Weather is shit. Leaving Tyriza.
Got carsick driving on serpentine.
After 3-4 hours arriving, having lunch. Very tasty, very rich area.
Photos, reports:
Broumovsko, nature
Broumov
Meziměstí
Finding our new Airbnb.
It's run by pensioners from Holland.
Woman introduces herself, I don't understand how and forget in a second.
5 minutes smalltalk.
Life hack - I ask her "and how is your name PRONOUNCED".
She's like "Geertje".
Yes, she was called Geertje, and it's pronounced like that.
Her husband suggested an analog shower - it needed to be heated with wood.
I agreed.
In the evening we lit the grill. The guy's worked without problems.
In the evening thought about Tyriza and her divorce.
Wondered why I automatically wanted to buy ice cream for her and not Jesus?
Maybe throughout all relationships she was a mandala? Maybe Jesus stayed in these backwoods only because of her?
In the evening Vovan got serious and said he's afraid of aliens and house spirits.
Important fact:
for the first two days nobody could shit normally - nobody wanted to do it in a bucket with a hole.
Here there was a normal toilet - hurray, the next days will be good.
Day Four. Analog Shower
Funny thing I remembered - how villagers spend a whole day.
We were going to eat - dad with son were doing some unknown shit.
Took an aluminum mesh, stuffed gravel into it and tamped it with a hammer.
The son did this with a wildly serious face. I really laughed at how villagers get off doing physical labor in the sun with a serious face.
Mom approached him, asked - what should I order you for lunch? Face got even more serious (when communicating with females need to show dissatisfaction, in special cases splash beer in their face so they know their place).
"Don't know". "I also don't know, want smažák?" - "Well OK".
After 3 hours we were returning, and dad with son were doing exactly the same thing. With less serious face the son hammered gravel and said to us first "dobrý den". Still saw the city dweller and showed respect.
From interesting events only that we walked a lot (about 25km), so I decided on the wood-fired shower.
I agreed to this for only one reason - in nature testosterone suddenly hit my head, I looked all chicks in the eyes the way pickup.ru forums taught - as if I already fucked them.
I lit fires myself and jumped on rocks.
When they offered me to wash in an outdoor shower like I hadn't done before, I didn't even think twice.
When I was washing (by the way, nothing special, you can do it calmly), I thought about my superiority over those who wash in regular showers.
Same superiority is felt by those who listen to music on vinyl. Warm analog shower is 10 times better than your shitty digital one, and you're cattle.
Day Five. Private Land
The last day didn't portend trouble - we just walked.
First the hosts gave us bikes.
Masha couldn't get on any bike since there were no kids' bikes, so they gave her a road bike - logical.
The bike didn't really want to brake, so after doing 2 laps we returned the bikes.
In two laps I accelerated a couple times and felt like an eagle.
We walked in nature and in the evening were going home.
Plotted the route on Google Maps.
We turn about 2 km from home and see a sign "soukromý pozemek" (private property).
We think - what the fuck, how can the only road be private property, what kind of idiocy.
We walk without stopping, at the sign (!) sit some 4 village pricks and shout "saw the sign? You need the highway"
Vovan got angry and on the highway we thought how we'll return and beat them up.
Vovan came up with a clever move - he'll pretend to punch in the face but actually hit the solar plexus. Top.
And I came up with catching a beer mug and breaking it on someone.
Then I got the idea to call the cops - what the fuck you can even put such a sign?
Turned out most likely (we checked the cadastre), this sign is illegal - this territory doesn't belong to anyone, the owner has priority right to buy, but he hasn't used it yet.
Started googling - turned out you can't do shit about it, and the most effective way is to negotiate.
Unfortunately, being cattle is very often profitable - laws are for law-abiding, concepts for the rest. And try fucking explain to cattle that you can't steal a road.
But overall everything's fine - excellent 5 days. I rested well.
At the entrance to Prague remembered why I got so tired.
One cut me off, another walks down the street yelling into his shitty Nokia AND I CAN'T FUCKING HEAR BITCH.
Welcome to the capital.
Well I need to rethink life further. Who looks at stars and babes won't return back so easily.